Hailey’s Garden (Ch.1)

Here we are again. Five feet apart with our backs against the walls. Our eyes burning and throat clenching as we try to figure out how to get out of the shit we just made. Neither of us knows what to do or what to say. We can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep running to you.

You don’t know what you’re doing, and I hate being here. It’s an argument every time we talk! One second we’re okay and the next we’re screaming at the top of our lungs. 

I’m sorry. 

I can’t be with you. I can’t keep coming back to you. I’m not going anywhere if I keep relying on you. I’ll just be stuck. Living in this fucking hell. I need to get better. I want to get better.

I want to change.

Hailey’s eyes darted to her wrists, clenching her hands. She focused on the blue butterfly tattoo. She couldn’t keep up with the games. She was driving herself in circles with the constant fighting. She was bickering and blaming herself for things that were out of her control. Slowly suffocating herself with every fight. She was always left in a state of exhaustion.

I need help.

Hailey steadied her breaths as she tried to get a grip on reality while counting backward. She repeated the words over and over again.

I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m doing good. I’m making progress. I have done enough. I am still alive. I can still do more. I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m doing good. I’m making progress. I have done enough. I am still alive, I can still do more.

I am enough.

I’m enough.

I am loved.

Hailey looked to the mirror across from her, her nails digging into her fat. She watched her stomach flubber before forcing herself to embrace her body.

This body is fine. I eat healthy. I work out. I am healthy.

“I will not hate myself. I’m fine.”

Hailey exhaled, her hands going through her hair as she tried to distract herself from her thoughts. She couldn’t focus on herself or she would start demeaning herself again. She made her way to the kitchen, she swung open her fridge and stared at the brownies she had saved and at a bottle of water.

One brownie won’t hurt. I need it. I just need something sweet.

“No…no…it won’t help…I’ll just feel worse.”

She snatched the water and chugged the bottle down as she closed the fridge. She couldn’t lose her self-control. It was the only thing she had. She wouldn’t trick herself into relying on desserts. 

Walking. Walking will help. I’ll calm down. I can think clearly.

She threw on her hoodie, grabbed her cell phone and headphones. She threw the bottle into the recycle and slipped on her shoes. She walked out of her apartment, without any location in mind. All she wanted was to walk around the park and calm the voices in her that held her back. The breeze untangled every worry she carried with her, as she began to search for a song. She stopped in her tracks the moment she heard a woman yelling. Her eyes scanned around the park until she finally saw the woman who was screaming her head off at a man. She began to walk away but she couldn’t. This woman was making a scene and completely berating the man’s character. She watched as the woman left in a huff, calling quits. She made her way towards the man who seemed ready to drown his sorrows.

“There’s a bar nearby,” she told him, “Wanna…get a drink?”

She watched him slowly lift his head to meet her gaze. There was so much pain written all over his face, it broke her.

“Sure.”